theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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