her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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