I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
