I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
