i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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