She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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