God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you had me at cake vodka
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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