I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
