Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
