so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
