maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
