The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
