Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
