Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
