The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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