my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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