The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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