My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize