i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
