My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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