Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
