Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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