sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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