Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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