she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
