ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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