My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
