I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
