What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
