And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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