If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
