I wish my penis had an off switch
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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