hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
