I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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