So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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