i think my tv is drunk
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
