My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
