Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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