Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
