my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
