yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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