My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
