I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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