Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
