i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
