Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
