Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
