I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
