I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
