I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
