A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
