i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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