can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
