So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
