wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
