I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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