Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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