Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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