Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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