you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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