Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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